Audio: https://soundcloud.com/tia-188659352/tiakeo_findyourvoice_07
Every turn in the new direction would be matched, twisted, tied down by old habits. She'd made the realization months ago. She knew it. She could see it, in her mind and even with her eyes, looking straight ahead until they blurred. To-do lists were obliterated by the blank agenda. The old accolades held no relevance. After each intentional exhale, she gulped the air into her lungs like she was grasping at straws. She had planted her feet here knowing what was to come next, but all these months later she was still in the same spot, still batting away all of her old tricks. At least now she saw them for what they were: bandaids, coping mechanisms, dampers to shove it all back down again. She knew how to over-fill her time, how to over-fill herself - in order to avoid decisions. She hadn't learned to sit in it, to trust it, to rely on it. The games she had played (and won) were not even in the same league. This would be a major upgrade, and all the old measures of success were useless. Her shoulders began to shake and her chest felt as if it might cave in. She wasn't a child anymore. This wasn't a toy she could go back and forth about. She was a big girl now and the window would close eventually ... with or without her.