Free writing
audio: https://soundcloud.com/tia-188659352/tiakeo_findyourvoice_15
Unlearning is a state all its own - a space in her mind and body that was unmarked, un-mapped. She felt in-between, void of position, overlooking her reality with a new perspective. Her proclivity to over-do everything or be lazy doing nothing was so much a part of her that she felt rebellious simply by the nature of the swing to one end or the other. Trying to win had broken her. Not trying to win still filled her with anxiety. Something about this moment of stillness helped her realize now that going to extremes wasn't a solution. Simply flipping things upside down didn’t change the currency, or frequency. Equal and opposite, they were the very same thing.
Everything in her life had become still. She had faced a new year that was empty of achievement goals - that should have the first sign. Instead, she’d spent the first half of the year looking outward. Her attempts to fill her bucket, to distract her from facing the next level of truth, had been futile. Rejection was the term for it. On the spectrum of achievement, it was on the bad, shameful, disappointed end. She saw it differently now, though. If she was honest with herself, she had almost expected the rejection. Always searching for the bigger pattern, she knew it was needed to force herself deeper. This was the time for stillness and those opportunities would only mold her efforts, not ignite them.
In the stillness, she actively willed her body to reject the program.
“Uninstall the app, woman! When you erase it all, there is nothing. Not one or the other. Just void. Silence. Clarity.”
If looking for the old patterns meant seeing the new patterns in the same and opposite light, maybe it wasn't about being drastic. Maybe it was about simply moving forward with nothing to prove. Instead of pretending to not give a shit, she actually, truly needed to not give a shit.
Her body crumbled inside of her skin at this thought. Her cells wept. This was terrifying.
It meant putting her feet to the fire and choosing for herself with no regard to anyone else, if that is what she didn’t know. It meant listening to her heart, allowing desire to rise-up, using her skills with a new purpose, to live her way. It meant learning her way. Not conforming or protesting. Not forcing or bending. Not reflecting or projecting. It meant being herself. Daring to be.