audio: https://soundcloud.com/tia-188659352/tiakeo_findyourvoice_12
Out of control.
Ungrounded.
Spinning.
Her feet were placed squarely beneath her, her seat in the chair at her desk, where she always started her work day. But, if she closed her eyes she was back in time, on that wicked carnival ride. What was it called? The Zipper? Her body had been strapped, tied-tight to the metal seat, as the half-baked carny went through the motions of locking them into the cage. Once all points had been secured, he released them from the platform and their vessel swung into a state of imbalance - back and forth with the odd center of gravity.
As she sat at her desk now, facing her finished to-do list, she could feel the ride hum into action. She knew how quickly the ride turned for her. How suddenly all points of reference were lost, her orientation unsubstantiated, spinning on multiple axes. Every swear word had come to the front of her mouth and she'd released them like a plea to who-ever could hear her. "This is awesome!" her brother had added to the call. He loved the thrill, the letting go. She'd tried to go inward, to hold her organs in place, her brain and eyes and stomach. For some reason this didn't feel like letting go, it felt like giving-up, surrendering to the pressure.
That was it!
For so many years she'd surrendered to the pressure of others, kicking and screaming. Loud mouth complaints, while buckling at the knees. She'd resisted so hard for so long, that now, when she had a real chance to be free, to react from within herself, she was too disoriented to know where to begin. What was it all for anymore? What was happiness? .. Purpose? The big things became little and the little became big. Had she had it all wrong all this time?
She took her hands off the keys. The keyboard fell silent and the cursor blinked. Resting her face in her hands, it was like she was in that carnival cage again - She had no idea which end was up.
